Sorry about the public mental breakdown!
June 7, 2025
Well, I did tell myself I was going to update my site more. The monkey's paw curls.
I had a pretty bad episode last night and was seriously considering suicide for the first time in a while. I'm fine now, and I'm a little ashamed of myself that I would broadcast that publicly. It helps to get your thoughts out, and I'm almost positive no one will read these anyway, but that was weird and embarrassing and I wish I didn't do it. I'm keeping the entry up for posterity, and because it provides me with some valuable insight, but I should at least reiterate that I'm fine now and I'm not going to kill myself.
I've had a hard time sleeping this past week. I've gotten these seemingly random bouts of insomnia since I was probably around 13. Apparently that's an autism thing. I already struggle with depression and my emotional state gets really fragile when I don't sleep well. Multiple things set me off in rapid succession and that ultimately culminated in deciding I obviously needed to kill myself. I came really close to doing something, and now I'm glad I didn't. For the record, I don't think female hysteria is real, and it irritates me whenever it's evoked, but if there ever was a poster child...
I've also forgotten my meds a few days. To be clear, I'm on Lexapro for GAD, and I don't know that missing one or two days is enough to immediately drive you into a frenzy, but I was getting a bit obsession-y for a second. I'm actually gonna go take my pills now, because I forgot them again today. Yay! Damn, fucking up your sleep schedule also fucks up all of the rest of your schedule.
I spent a lot of the day sulking in my bed and not eating. I talked with my therapist and my friends, took a nap, and then I ate dinner. Then I started to feel better. Weird! I guess I'm not very good at taking care of myself.
In any case, I feel normal again now. Don't know what that was.
