My brain is broken
June 12, 2025
I think my brain is changing! Lately I am consumed by existential dread that I did not have before.
I went, like, a week without any marijuana, and was doing pretty good without any cravings or anything. But since I happened to be super depressed over the course of that week, I ended up going back to the dispensary and buying more gummies. I figured it would take some of the edge off from the past week, and for the most part it did. Getting high helped ease some of my anxieties about the future of humanity, but after it wore off I was left with anxiety about my own future. Suddenly I'm worried about aging and dying, which is something I never really cared about before. How long will the things I love last? What if I don't have any impact on the world? Typing it out, these are incredibly stupid fears, but for some reason they stuck with me.
For the most part, though, I am doing better. Moving around, doing stuff, eating food. I'm in a better mood than I was.
I had a pretty good day yesterday. I got lunch with a friend. We stopped at Ulta, and I got some cheap perfume. I feel like I got tired of the scent pretty quickly, though. I thought I chose well in the moment and now I'm kinda pissed off at myself.
I just don't understand what set me off. For 5 days, I was horribly depressed and suicidal. I didn't attempt anything, but I feel like I came pretty close. Was it really all just because of how I was sleeping? I feel like it's too early in the month for it to be PMDD. What if something like this happens when I live alone? What if I can't afford my meds one day? Why am I crazy?
I only slept for probably 4 or 5 hours, and then I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. So, you know, my sleep cycle still isn't fixed. I guess we'll just try and tough it out and deal with the repercussions of that later!
