Desires
July 3, 2025
Hello! I forgot to update for a few days.
Things are still not great! My sleep schedule is still fucked, I still don't have a job, I'm still in a constant state of distress for no discernible reason, etc.. My best guess is it's a combination of not sleeping well, only being able to think about things that upset me for some reason, and I also haven't had my mood stabilizers in a few days. I don't think they do anything anyways. I only started taking them recently and haven't noticed anything. I'm seriously wondering if I should try and get on Adderall and see if that does anything for me. I notice that marijuana gives me a sense of "clarity" I don't otherwise get.
Spent most of my free time lately sitting inside playing Sims 3 and taking edibles.
Seriously, my obsessions must be coming back. I just can't stop thinking about... everything. Everything that has ever and ever will scare or upset me. If I'm becoming resistant to SSRIs or something I'm gonna become a terrorist. I can't go back to the dark times. I was so fucking bad before meds. As bad as it's been lately, it's still not as bad as it was when I was 15 - 16 with a severe untreated anxiety disorder.
Oh, I changed all the filenames of my little blog entry things to numbers. That should make things a little easier.
I hope when I start working again this goes away. Not that that's necessarily worked in the past, but maybe I just really need to get out of the house into a new environment. I've worked while having intrusive thought "flare-ups" and that sucked ass. I almost started weeping in the kitchen.
Why don't I talk about some of my desires / hopes for the future?
Well, I'm thinking about trying to sell or trade my old shit laptop and get a used one. I basically just want a Paint Tool SAI machine that I can take to the library and maybe draw there. That might not happen until I start working again and have some more money saved up, but it's something I've thought about for a while.
My main goal in life is just to get better at art. There are really no other important skills or hobbies that I have. I hope I start drawing more or get into some art classes or something.
I'd like to turn A Candy Cigarette into a webcomic, even if it's a shitty one. That way I can die feeling like I contributed something to society, kinda.
I'd like to do martial arts at some point. Maybe wrestling or karate. It would be decent exercise, and I don't have a deep reason for this I just want to get strong as fuck. I'd like to maybe start seriously weightlifting. I do not care about losing weight or even about self-defense I just want to get jacked.
Something I've been hotly debating to myself is learning French and either moving to or at least spending some time in France. If not France, then just somewhere in Europe (except probably the UK). I know that's a cringe thing for Americans to talk about. It's not a "Trump" thing, I've been thinking about this since before he got elected. There's a lot of different reasons, from really pretentious ones that will make me sound stupid to "if I'm going to have to live in a terrible shithole I should at least get free healthcare".
I've been reconsidering this, though, because 1. there aren't a lot of great resources for learning French available to me at this time 2. it would likely be incredibly expensive 3. I don't really know what France's situation re: immigration and travel is like, and from what I've heard there are a lot of impediments to people who move to France. It wouldn't be happening for a LONG time, anyway, since I'm not really in a situation where I can just spend a shit ton of money and abandon my entire support network to go live in a foreign country where I may struggle just by virtue of being an immigrant. I don't know if I want to do it or not.
I will say that I do want to go to France once before I die. I think I'd like to see Brittany specifically. Maybe I'll go to Rennes because I'm an avant-garde tourist. I don't know. It's a nice thought.
I've heard multiple people say Paris is gross, but I imagine that if I ever do go to France I will inevitably end up in Paris at some point. Even if you don't have fun, you still get to tell people you went to Paris.
It'd be nice to travel in general. I have never left New England in my entire life. I've never been on a plane. I'd like to see the world, or at least tiny little pieces of it.
I would also really like to see Ireland. If you were in or near France, you could feasibly also hit Spain and Italy, and people I know have said Spain is beautiful. It'd be cool to see a Nordic country and see if that climate makes me miserable or not. Within America, it'd be cool to see the Great Basin Desert, though I doubt I'd be able to handle the temperatures. It'd be cool to go to Boston again sometime, and I've never seen NYC. I'd love to see the MoMA.
For a while I was kinda obsessed with parrots. Maybe in my 30s - 40s I could get a parrot, and that would be kinda like having a kid. They cost about as much and live almost as long, but are harder to traumatize. Maybe.
I don't know. I feel like I don't have a lot of big aspirations. I mean, not all of these are necessarily feasible, but they're also not crazy glamorous either. I don't want to be like a famous actor or some shit like that. I'd like to be happy. I'd like to be able to achieve being happy. Trent Reznor's life got better, so maybe mine will too. And maybe we won't all die horrible deaths. I don't know. It rings a little hollow when I'm not on drugs.
That's another big thing. I don't think weed is legal in France, or most of Europe for that matter. If I do seriously move there, I'm probably gonna have to become an alcoholic instead. That said, it's probably one of the best places to be an alcoholic, so it wouldn't be that bad.
Can you take pets across continents? If I am serious about this, do I have to worry about having pets? Like I said, there's a lot I don't know. I definitely need to do a lot of reading.
