I'm depressed!
June 6, 2025
It's 1:35 AM as I'm starting to type this. I haven't been able to sleep the last 7 nights and it's kicking my ass. Maybe that's why I feel so shitty. Maybe I'll regret this in the afternoon when I wake up. Right now there's not much else to do.
I have a therapy appointment at 12 and I'm probably not going to make it. Let's see!
I hate typing in proper syntax like this. When I write about my feelings, I feel like a caricature of myself. It would feel wrong to write any other way, though. This is not something that anybody realistically cares about, and I am almost certain nobody will read this anyway. I must just like making rules for myself.
Earlier (yesterday) I realized something about myself. All throughout my life, I relied on some kind of escapism, whether it was daydreaming, video games, substance use, or whatever else I do with my free time. It must be why I'm so fascinated with silly fantasy worlds. It definitely played a part in me wanting to become a cartoonist.
I can't handle the real world. I don't understand how people can look at the state of things and not want to dive into traffic. I don't understand where people are getting any hope that things will change. It's easy for me to say how important it is to have it, but I couldn't tell you where it comes from.
I also don't get along with other people. Both of these things could easily be attributed to autism, but I know a lot of autistic people who still have healthy and rich social lives. But for me, making friends has always been like pulling teeth. I just don't like other people. When I was a kid, people were put off by me. These days, I see so many people I either think are too annoying or morally reprehensible to be my friends. People definitely find me abrasive, and for the most part I'm okay with that. Being vulnerable and giving people chances generally just gets you fucked over or worse. I'm still a dumb ape, so I still get lonely. But finding the "good ones" is so hard. Every friend group I've ever had has been small enough that one bad day could decimate it. I've lost my entire social life so many times. I try and create opportunities for people I don't really know to interact with me, just in case, but again, either people don't like me or they also suck at making friends.
I understand that that's a problem with me, not a problem with others. I really do think I might have OCD or something like that. It's probably not right for me to find something potentially dangerous in everyone I meet, and at the very least I should stop driving myself insane over people that don't matter and who aren't my friends anyway.
Several times throughout the course of my short life, I've made the wrong decisions and hurt people in the process. It's easy sometimes to assume that other people must not feel guilt, but everything I've ever done to hurt someone else haunts me. I think it's the right way to feel. But sometimes, it feels like I've exhausted every opportunity I've ever had to contribute positively to society. I can't prove that I'm not a piece of shit because I kind of am. I can't prove that I at least have a good heart because I don't, really. Someone out there will always remember me as being a moron or scumbag or both, and people are going to talk shit about me once I'm dead. Normally that doesn't bug me, but when I think about it now... I don't know!
I feel like I was born against my will. No one asks to be born. I really don't understand why people have kids at all. First of all, it takes balls to say you think you'd be a good parent. Kids are so fragile and easy to fuck up. Second of all, are people not looking at what they're bringing children into? What do you think the world's gonna be like in 20, 30 years? There's plastic in our brains and people are dropping dead in the streets from climate change. The environment is being decimated all around us. Maybe humans will survive, but nothing else will. I think that's worse than humanity just dying off. What do you think your children will live through? God knows I hope I don't have to see it.
I don't know what the point is in moving forward. Even if I do achieve financial stability, even if I do publish a webcomic, even if I do whatever other stupid shit it is I want to do with my life, is the planet going to stop being a vapid hellhole? Will I be happy then? Will it have been worth it?
It even seems generous to think that I'll get to that point. I'm a bum and I can't keep a job for shit. On top of that, we're in a recession and it's easier to sell meth than to even begin to navigate the job market. I've seen how society has shattered the minds of people not even that much older than me. People who were beautiful and talented who ended up homeless and addicted to hard drugs, just because they had abusive parents or didn't have money.
I don't know. I've been in a shit mood all day. I'm about ready to kill myself, but I should at least give TMS a try. That's trans-cranial magnetic stimulation. It's something my therapist suggested to me. I guess they blast some magnetic waves into your brain and it makes you less depressed or something. It's been studied for years and most major insurances cover it, and it does something for at least half of the people who do it.
I don't want to go a psych ward. I can't go in debt just because my brain is fucked up. That's another awesome thing about living in this abominable fucking country! Your government has money to spend on bombs to decimate Palestinian citizens and inundate the atmosphere with tons of CO2 but not to fund its own fucking hospitals. What a worthless country full of worthless people.
I don't know. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. Maybe I won't. It's 2:41 AM as I'm typing this. I feel like I'm on a timer. We'll see where things go from here.
